The Breast Cancer 3 Day

Look what came in the mail today!

It's the Breast Cancer 3 Day Crew Handbook and my crew pin! This year I'm not walking in Cleveland, I'm crewing in Chicago with Johnell. One of her friends is a survivor that walked in Chicago this past year. We decided quite some time ago that we wanted to crew somewhere else. Somewhere else meaning Chicago or Seattle.

We signed up early and got a good discount on the registration fee. AND I got an email today with a code to share with my friends to get a $25 discount too.

Register here and use the code NEWYEAR to get your discount. It's only good through the 15th so do it NOW!

It's an amazing experience whether you walk or crew. And if you choose not to that's fine to, but I WILL be expecting a donation once my donation page is set up.

Self Worth/Self Esteem

I am about to begin a new chapter in my life. One I have embarked on previously, but sadly did not see it to fruition. For as long as I can remember I have not had a great deal of self esteem. I have never had much self worth.

I have spent a lot of time in my 41 years feeling shitty about myself and wondering when I was going to feel better. I've done some therapy before, but never stuck with it. Maybe I wasn't ready. Actually, the first time I know I wasn't ready to accept what I was hearing because if I had I think my life would be a lot different right now.

So what is it really that causes someone to have low self esteem? I decided I wanted to know so I did a little research. And when I say a little...I mean I Googled it. I'm not writing my dissertation here, so Google was enough. At least I didn't use Wikipedia. What I found in just about everything I read was that self esteem can start in the womb. Now, I'm pretty sure that I was wanted and planned for by my parents so I'm having a hard time accepting this one. I read in multiple places that the desires of the mother before birth can have an effect on the child's self esteem. (Please forgive me, I really don't feel like linking to the pages, just Google it yourself).

I do feel that I can trace my low self esteem directly to my mom (sorry Mom, it's true). I have been aware for quite a while that my whole attitude and outlook on life has been tainted by my mom. I know she didn't do it on purpose and I also know she came by it naturally (sorry, Grandma). To this day my mom is very negative, depressed and judgemental. She has always been worried about what everyone else would think. She has always been very critical of everything. And it's sad. I have tried for the last 18 years to be as little like her as I could. I didn't want Allie to have the same feelings I am. The funny thing is that for some reason I could be so different with her, but never really change myself.

This is where my 2009 journey begins. And it begins with my acknowledging that I have issues and saying it out loud (so all 3 of my readers can hear).

I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM...I CANNOT LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY I LOVE YOU TO MYSELF.

Whew...that actually felt pretty good to type that out. Now the actual journey begins. I want to be able to come back here and report that I can look in the mirror and say I love you to myself. That is my goal for 2009. It's a goal that I can't afford not to achieve. I have to find a way through all the crap and negative thoughts in my head and get to the end result of actually loving and accepting myself.

I've spent a better part of this evening listening to podcasts and meditations and come to the realization that this is what I have to do. That not loving myself is my biggest issue. I have many other small issues, but obviously not really loving yourself is pretty serious business.

So, with that I'm going to end this monumental (and LONG) post and go sit and just think for a while.

Snowy Saturday

So today is an amazingly snowy day.


Glad I have been able to be home and not have to be at work today. It makes things so much easier and enjoyable.

Made a pot of chili.
See
It turned out pretty good and I had 2 bowls because I skipped lunch. I'm glad there's still lots left.

Working on pulling up nasty carpet in Allie's old bedroom so I can make it into my office.

Back to work.

ShutterCal

Here is my first photo posted to my ShutterCal.


I seriously hope I keep up with this...it seems like it's going to be fun...now to get the kookie pictures off my phone!

I know, I know it's been a long time

And I'm going whine. OK, maybe not whine, but I'm definitely feeling something.



Why does it seem the older I get the more disappointed I am about Christmas? I rarely have anything I REALLY want. Sure there are things I would like to have. I won't be crushed if I don't get them and I'll be appreciative if I do. But they are things like cookies sheets and mixing bowls.



I just don't typically ask for expensive things. I just don't. I know I most likely won't get them so why disappoint myself?



I really try to think of the person when I'm shopping. I try to find something unique that they would really appreciate. This year was a year of not much money for Christmas and the money I did have was spent on an Xbox 360 for Allie. I've never bought anything like that for her and she knew if she got it that would be it. She really wanted it and her dad (my lovely ex) has said in the past if she gets something that big for her birthday or Christmas that it counts for both. Are you serious? You should see the shit his step kids get. So, I was determined that Allie would get the Xbox. She knew about it and was quite happy, even if she wouldn't have anything else to open. I did have a few things I bought over the summer and I also spent 2 days finally making her king sized comforter cover. She was so surprised and really excited about it.



She got me things I really like too. Cookie sheets that she remembered I've asked for multiple times and 3 movies I love and the best gift of all -- the complete first season of The Partridge Family!



We spent the day just as I wanted to. In our pj's watching TV. We watched some Christmas shows and then she didn't want to leave me so she wouldn't even play the Xbox. I told her to go ahead a hook it up to the living room TV and play. So I watched her for an hour or so and then she went to her room for a while. We had a yummy dinner in the middle of the afternoon and then we watched Airplane! One of the movies she got me.



It was a really good day.



But, I just can't stop feeling shitty about the day. Maybe it's more feeling shitty about myself. Christmas Eve and my parents was the same as it always is with a tad more drama. I have know for a while that my mother needs counseling. It's just obvious that she's depressed and she's always been so needy. She thinks she's making Christmas perfect by making sure everyone gets the same amount of gifts. This is the reason we get things like fuzzy socks (which I really do like) and emery boards (none this year though and she made a point to tell me). But my mother has not in a long time really seemed to have made an effort to really get me something special. Each year I get a little more cash. Which is fine, but half the time I don't use it to buy something for me.



Maybe I just need to stop watching Christmas shows where the family gets together and has fun and everyone gets the perfect gift and it's a complete surprise. I would do that, but I do know that it happens. It's not a myth. There really are families who have a great time being together on the holidays.



I guess what I want for Christmas is to be one of those families.

Holy Moly

I'm still up. This is past my bed time. I'm going to have a rough time tomorrow. But I HAVE to see Obama's acceptance speech.

I feel inadequate to even blog about the election. I'm just incredibly pleased that Obama won. No I don't have to move to Canada. I was honestly worried that McCain would win. The economy is in the crapper now and it's already affected me and I'm not sure I could handle anything worse.

So Mr. President Elect Obama...what is it you have to say. And hurry it up, cuz' I'm getting sleepy!

Blogging for Boobies

I've decided to crew in Chicago for the 2009 3 Day. Johnell's friend Leslie has started a team. Johnell and I are both crewing and Leslie is walking. There are 4 other members but I don't know what they're doing. I don't even know any of them including Leslie, but after the long 3 Day weekend in August 2009, I'm sure I will.


I'm really excited. This year I adored all the support that I got while I was walking and it helped beyond belief. I hope I can do for the walkers what the crew did for me.

That is all...I'm going to bed.

Don't be surprised if I hit you up for a donation before August next year!